themusemanor | PSL - James Watson | Helen Magnus ---> We're glad for what we've got

He was fine, if he kept telling himself that than he could possibly, maybe, believe it himself. That he would be fine, that what Helen, was not doing, would be fine by him, that the little things were just her signs of friendship. Of how much she cared, and he shouldn't think it more than that. If he told himself that, well he could at least keep them on good terms no matter what happened.

But her hand, that was confusing things. He had closed his eyes when he felt her fingers in his hair, enjoying the feeling more than likely far too much than he should, and he took a breath at her hand on his shoulder. He didn't move it, didn't shrug it off, instead he left it there, enjoying the contact.

But the confusion. Even his mind couldn't figure it out, and he was the smartest of them all practically. She had made all the indications that she cared more than she said she did, and yet he was certain she didn't want, what he did but, the touching. The words when she didn't watch it, all of it.

It was making things difficult.

But he looked her in the eyes, and smiled, slightly, letting out a long breath as he moved his hand off her arm up to gently, hesitantly, cup her cheek. "Recent, events have been rather trying is all." He would never turn it on her, not after what had happened earlier.

Helen's breath caught silently in her chest at his touch to her cheek and her eyes flicked down to his lips for the briefest of seconds. She wanted... but that would be too forward, too much for their present situation... and her heart. And if someone saw them? Oh the scandal. It was bad enough that she'd been betrothed and had broken it off. Now she was a unmarried woman in her late forties and the gossip that sometimes followed her haunted her. She could imagine the stories floating around about the two of them already and those were likely bad enough.

Even so, she couldn't help her feelings...

Sighing softly, she let her gaze drop back to her free hand, which was still resting in her lap. Her other hand slid down to his lower arm, but she didn't move it past that, still wanting some measure of contact. His hand on her cheek wasn't shrugged off at all. In fact, she very nearly seemed to lean into it.

"I daresay they have for both of us," she murmured, her voice just barely above a whisper. "But at least we have each other. Our... friendship." Whatever it was.

James had learned, long ago, that rumors were little more than the result of idle minds needing some sort of conversation starter. While he could dance around polite society as well as her, in fact had done so very carefully in recent times all things considered with Helen, and John and than Spring-Heeled Jack. But the recent ones about them, in her hours with Gregory away, he was only thankful they were in his study in the house.

Because his feelings, that urge to do something, that would more than likely result in him being forced to leave, those were hard to ignore, and it was taking quite some effort on his side to not act on that.

He noted her sigh though, frowned slightly as he felt her hand move down his arm, leaving his hand on her cheek but, almost worried something was wrong. But he didn't move his hand when he thought she leaned into it, keeping his own free hand resting on his own lap, trying to avoid touching her too much.

"Yes, we do," and there was a certain sadness in his eyes, in his voice, at hearing her use the phrase friendship. It was hard to overcome really, right now when he had her cheek in his hand and her so close (actually closer as he shifted ever so slightly towards her), and he just hoped it wouldn't scare her off. "And that, is something worth treasuring."

Again, she noticed, and her expression fell a little further. He wasn't okay. He still wasn't. And yet he refused to tell her what was wrong. She knew that no amount of prying would get it out of him, but she hated that. She wanted to be able to help him, to fix whatever wrong she'd done him.

She wasn't scared off by his movement, even as it added an extra layer of confusion and worry to the already very large pile. Part of her wanted to act on some other thought, something she hadn't allowed herself to consider while John was still at large. However, in light of recent events...

No, she still needed to keep up appearances, let her heart settle.

"Yes. Always," she agreed softly. She paused for a moment before moving just a little bit closer, close enough to turn to rest her cheek against his shoulder and lean against him. It wasn't proper by any means, but she found she didn't much care. Having already defied the boundaries of society by not marrying before she turned twenty and having a child before she was thirty, Helen saw no reason to obey every last law of society. Or at least, tonight she didn't. Her hand slid further down his arm until she was resting it on his hand, letting him know that he meant a great deal to her.

"And I hope you will always be here." Always... as long as she was.

He hated being the cause of her expression falling, hated seeing her upset that he couldn't express what he felt. But how could he when he knew she didn't want what he did? That, if he did tell her, it would force them apart or together in a way that wouldn't work for them, or so he thought. Not when she wasn't ready, not after John.

And it was proving to be difficult, letting her settle, letting her heal. When he wanted nothing more than to take her into his arms and...

Well now wasn't that nice.

He didn't fight it, saw no reason to really. And he even shifted his arm to wrap around her shoulders, hesitantly of course. This was going against everything, every rule, every norm they lived by to sit like this. But he didn't care, and he showed it by squeezing her hand gently with the hand hers was resting on, turning it over to take her hand in his, relaxing more. This was, doing things, sending all the wrong messages, did she want more? Or did she want him to wait, and was teasing? Or what?

For now though all he could do, and did was hold her close, enjoying the fire and her company. "Of course Helen, always. I will, always, be here for you." And longer, she would always have a home with him, even if she chose not to see it.

At least it couldn't be said that they were doing anything completely inappropriate. Only marginally, and not behind closed doors, which would have been more of a scandal. Honestly, she was glad precious few people knew about her pregnancy, short as it had been. That would have been the biggest scandal. The intelligent woman from Oxford having a child out of wedlock would have given half of England something to talk about. She was glad to have avoided that.

What she hadn't avoided were the lingering emotions, the fear of attachment... and the subsequent attachment that had happened without her noticing. She blamed it on how much time they spent together, the work they'd been doing. Half of the time, their world simply revolved around, well... them, and Helen would have it no other way.

She allowed him to take her hand, slowly wrapping her fingers around his, holding him, letting him hold her. It all felt so nice, so forbidden, like they were adolescents in an alley instead of adults just past their prime of life.

In the morning, regret would seep in for the possible damage she was doing to their relationship. Friendship. But right now, she was enjoying the comfort. It was rare enough that she accepted physical contact. Rarer still when she sought it out so freely.

"What are we doing tomorrow evening?"

Not "you," not "I." We.

That was true they weren't doing anything inappropriate. Well not fully, it would have been enough however for his mother to scowl and chase him out of the room however, and berate Helen for seducing his oldest, intelligent son. But if that was bad, he would not have wanted her pregnancy to be known either. The scandal alone would ruin the Sanctuary of that he had little doubt, and then, well he would have been pressured himself into things by friends, family, concerned other persons. It would have driven him from Helen, intentionally or not.

And he didn't want that.

What he was trying to do, was trying to let in was the fact that she needed time. While she had it (and then Jack had come and ruined that and it was not a point in time James wanted to relive thank you), things had not worked out and even with them working in such close proximity to one another all the time, where their world was just them and their work, it was, not hard to see where the attraction, the affection, the feelings came from. He just had to give her time, she hadn't asked vocally but he could see it, which made it so hard for him at the moment, so hard.

But just holding her was enough, for now. Holding her, in his study, that was enough. Forbidden enough really, and he was just glad no one else would bother them. To enjoy this, without fear would insure it would stay in his mind even as he tried to figure out what else to do, what else to avoid with her so he did not harm her in some way.

While the morning would bring regrets (friendship, it was a friendship first, nothing more), he would not let it bother him. The mere act of it all was enough to be in his memory for all time, and he found himself swallowing hard at that question. We. How long had he been waiting for that?

"I must, admit Helen I am at something of a loss, do you happen to have any suggestions?" It was the truth and he sounded a little sheepish sounding at that. Lab work was out, he wanted something different, something out of the Sanctuary. Perhaps then, well perhaps he could dream of more with her with more evidence, more scenes of them together.

At least it would keep him going in the dark of the night when he was alone, if nothing else.

"A former colleague of my father's is holding a social gathering for those closest to him," Helen answered easily. "It's supposed to be for his daughter's marriage, but I know it will end up being a talk of science end medicine. I thought... if you didn't have anything else to attend, perhaps you would go with me."

She lifted her head momentarily so she could judge his reaction, trying to see what he thought about her suggestion. She didn't pull her hand away, though, preferring to leave it where it was, tucked in his own.

With luck, he would be free and willing to go with her. Even if they just stayed for an hour, it would be a public appearance and at least then no one would be able to call them fully reclusive. And it would also be a chance to spend some time together. That much Helen did want. She cared about James enough for that.

It takes him a moment, to think it through the emotions playing over his face. He wants it really, wants to go out with her, a public appearance would do them good. But what if they saw it? That lingering feeling he swore was on his face when she wasn't looking but he looked at her.

He tried to hide the uncertainty at that idea, but he didn't say it, instead turning to give her a smile, squeezing her hand.

He was free in fact so he squeezed her hand as he spoke, "I would be happy to Helen." It was light, and he was almost afraid the affection on his face would come across as something more. He cared for her yes, but she didn't need to know how far, spending time with her was enough. Even if it was somehow misinterpreted as something else. "Though do they know you are bringing a guest?" Always the polite one of course.

Helen's warm smile returned as James gave his acceptance, relief washing over her face. She hadn't really been worried he would turn her down. More, she'd been worried that he would have something else to do and wouldn't be available. But he was and he'd accepted. She could be happy with that.

She wasn't sure what, exactly, she was seeing on his face, so she took it as friendship, a happiness to be included in her social life, and left the complications at the door. Her free hand moved towards their joined ones, gladly wrapping around them, and she turned to see him more fully.

"I asked them a while ago if it would be acceptable to bring a guest. They do not mind. It's supposed to be a celebration, after all." And a celebration meant people, lots of guests. What better time to bring a guest like James to brighten up her dull existence? At least he, she knew, could keep up with her.

He just was glad she didn't see it, and would take her conclusion as to the happiness as true. It was true enough really, he was rather thrilled with her inviting him into her social life. So he just muddled through the rest of his emotions for her, she didn't need him screwing this up really.

But her shifting got a slight pout out of him, very slight and he tried to hide it. He had been enjoying her being against him like she had, her shifting took her more away from him, further from him getting that comfort, well that affection if he was being honest. So he just smiled at her hands on his, shifting his arm from around her so his hand was back to resting on her shoulder for the moment.

"You've been planning this?" He asked, slight disbelief in his voice. She was planning on taking him with her how far in advance? But then it dawned on him. A celebration meant guests. And it was bad enough to think it a private party, minimal people there to see through him but at a celebration? Could he, just politely get sick before it now? Because he was rather certain things were obvious.

She'd had half a mind to return her head to his shoulder and might yet do so again, but for now she wanted to see his face, watch his expressions.

"I had wanted to ask you earlier," she admitted, dropping her gaze momentarily in shame, "but I never got a chance to. We had too many other things going on."

Her expression fell just a little bit as she thought back to everything that had happened. It was only a minute and then she pushed it all back, letting her smile return.

"Please, James. Don't look at me like that. If you would rather not go... we don't have to. I ought to, but I won't force you to. I realize I should have given you more notice and I'm sorry for that."

She would just hold in her disappointment, bottle it all up so no one, not even James, would be able to see it.

Which was really unfair as he was the observer, the deductive mind of their group not her. But for the moment he would just wait for it.

But at her dropping her gaze, her expression falling he had to shake his head. No, that was not why she should be disappointed really, and when he saw that smile he shook his head, smiling back. His disbelief was in the fact that she was asking him and had been planning to. It was a shock, really to him, that was all.

So he shook his head more and slid his hand back up to cup her cheek, "Helen, I was merely, shocked, that you would be planning so far in advance in asking me is all. I have nothing planned for tomorrow," and it wouldn't matter either, a chance to be with Helen was more important than anything else, even if he secretly was hoping no one else would see his affection or more for her in his eyes, on his face. "I will happily ta - escort you, myself."

He frowned slightly at the stumble but wiped it off of his face. One sounded as if they were a couple the other was more appropriate for what they were, friends. He had to remember that. Though he had said it with complete honesty, hiding his fear.

His reassurance brought a smile to her face, small though it was, and she tried to keep the relief from seeping into her eyes, but it was hard to do when he placed his hand against her cheek once more. She had half a mind to kiss him, but that was far too improper, completely unnecessary, for a simple talk in his study. That was a thing to be done behind closed doors, between two people with far less between them than Helen and James.

She noticed his slip, but didn't comment on it. That would just lead to more trouble and she knew it. So she just leaned her head ever so slightly against his hand, holding his other between both of hers.

"Why are you so shocked? You're the only person I know who would be interested in something like that."

And the only one of those who would take or escort her. Aside from her own father. James' presence would do wonders for her, especially considering how much time they'd spent together. John had been able to tell immediately when he'd cornered her in the study a few days ago. A fleeting thought crossed her mind, wondering who else knew, who else could tell. She'd have to keep it hidden better and resolved to do so.

A kiss would crack whatever hope James had of not showing his feelings to her openly. He did see the relief, tiny though it was, he was good at reading people, and silently cursed himself for making her worry that he wouldn't go. To make her worry she couldn't rely on him, even in these things (that were questionable if they would be enjoyable but still).

He was also glad she ignored his slip, as that was something he didn't need being brought up. With the way they were seated, well it wasn't hard to understand why he had made the slip though, as close as the two of them were.

"Because, I thought, you would have someone else you may be, interested in taking is all. There certainly are others."

It was again light, and he didn't judge. But he doubted it was true, it was just a way of hiding his shock at her asking him, when he was rather certain John would gut them both for this alone. And while she resolved to keep it hidden better he was just, almost resigning himself to having it on display, they were rather horrible at it.

"There are no others, James, you know that."

It was true. There was no one else in Helen's eyes. Just James, her friend, colleague. Only James saw her as more than just a woman and only James would treat her as a lady. Certainly, other men had come at times to attempt to court her over the years, but she'd turned them all flatly down and none had wanted to risk her father's ire by pressing her further. James, at least, was liked by Gregory, and so she had no worries about him.

It was just the two of them, as far as Helen was concerned: herself and James.

But if he wanted to cover up his surprise, she supposed she'd let him. She gave one last glance towards the door, just to be sure they weren't being spied on, before she returned her head to its position on his shoulder if he'd let her. She liked and needed the comfort that simple, and yet very complicated, act had provided.

Yes just James, friend, colleague, fellow member of The Five, hobby Latin speaker. Scientist, detective, doctor, part-time inventor. And of course, a bachelor. And according to most a perfect gentleman (because he did try). So then, why was Helen not the least bit concerned about how she was behaving with him? The only benefit to all of this was at least Gregory was out of the country so James was willing to indulge, for the moment, even if he was ready to regret this in the morning.

"Perhaps not, I thought, perhaps someone had caught your eye was all."

Again true enough, who was he to know what went on in her mind? But the two of them? That suited him just fine really.

And it was exactly why he didn't fight her resting on his shoulder, slipping his arm back around her shoulders at that act. It was complicated that one thing, but he was willing to live with it, if she was willing to as well. Because did he ever want this, whatever it was. At least it gave him hope, however confused it may also have made him.

"What time are we to leave?"

Part of the reason Helen even dared such an act at all was because she considered James to be a perfect gentleman. He wouldn't force her hand, would rather give her the time she needed, and she couldn't express how much that meant to her. Even so, when he commented on someone catching her eye, she opened her mouth to answer, to tell him that someone had caught her eye, but stopped. Time. Time was what she needed. If she went too fast with this, she feared ruining everything she had with him. If that happened, she didn't know what she'd do. So, instead, she lied, keeping her gaze on their joined hands.

"No. No one has."

A big lie, but one she hoped he wouldn't see through. She didn't want to hurt him, for him to see through her and imagine the worst. So she squeezed his hand in reassurance and comfort, hoping to distract them both.

"Five o'clock, if it suits you. We don't have to stay very long. Once we've spoken to the host and his daughter, we can return home." She would let James decide how much he felt like dealing with, how long they stayed. Helen would be content just to be with him. Time, in this sense, didn't matter at all to her.

No he wouldn't force her hand, and he would give her all the time she needed. It was why he hadn't said a word really, why he kept his thoughts to himself. But being a perfect gentleman had it's drawbacks, especially for a man like James whose emotions were hidden under only the best control he could muster on that day. And how this day was trying him! Especially with that lie, it almost felt like a punch in the gut. Almost. Except he had to remind himself that she didn't know so how could she tell him that?

"I see."

He did however duck his head down, shoulders slumped even as he looked at their hands. The distraction wasn't working for him, but he hoped it was for her, one of them deserved to be happy at this time.

"And no, if you wish to stay longer than we can, there is hardly any rush," he cleared his throat as he talked, finding it easier to talk about than their previous topic. As much as he battled his emotions, he wanted her happy there, time had little meaning to him so long as he was with her. That was the truth.

Something still wasn't right. Helen could feel the tension through his shoulders and lifted her head from its resting place a second time. Had he seen through her lie? Had he figured out she was lying to him? Maybe. Whatever was going through his mind, she had to fix it. She could tell him and still ask for time. Maybe that would be best.

She sighed, trying to decide if she wanted to force him to look at her or place her head back on his shoulder. Either way, her gaze was on his cheek for a moment before it dropped back to their joined hands. Part of her wanted to stand up, to take the space of the room to give herself comfort and strength to say what she needed to say, but another part of her didn't want him to think she was pulling away from him, that she didn't want to be there with him. His comfort had been doing a great deal for her and she didn't want to lose that. So, she stayed there, taking a deep breath so she could continue.

"Perhaps I wasn't being entirely truthful."

No he hadn't seen through her lie, in fact he was assuming it was right. It being right meant, well, it meant things. It meant he had been wrong, all of his emotions were all over the place, and the worst part about being wrong, was the fact that he stood no chance. If she had no feelings for him, no one of interest, it meant he was horribly far off base with her, in terms of what this all meant. That it meant they were just friends and he had to adjust accordingly, that any hope he may have had for something else was gone.

So he just kept her close, ignoring her head off his shoulder. If he could just, pretend this was innocent, just them comforting one another nothing more, than it would be for the best. His mind hadn't remained pure in that regard, but perhaps this was for the best. At least things, for her at least, were out in the open and he could live with it, but it would just take time. "You owe me no explanation Helen."

It was true she did not and he squeezed her shoulders some as he went on, "You do not have an interest in anyone, there is no need to fabricate one now on my account." And yes the pain had crept into his voice, the sadness, but he didn't continue on.

And suddenly, there it was. In the blink of an eye, she understood. The way he'd been acting, the tone of his voice, his word choice. Everything made sense now. Her eyes widened in surprise... and annoyance at herself. How could she have missed all of the signs? How could she have done this to him? Even if she wasn't sure she could handle another relationship soon soon, especially after John had threatened her so recently, but for James she would try.

"Dear God, James," she whispered, her hands tightening over his as she shook her head. "No. You're wrong. I don't have to fabricate an interest in anyone because..." She paused for breath, steadying herself as she looked into his eyes, bearing her true feelings for him to see. "Because it's already there."

If he couldn't see her feelings in her eyes, then he must have lost his detective skills. She was allowing herself to open up, to be painfully obvious, more so as she lifted her hands to cup his cheeks.

"I was afraid to tell you," she continued honestly, laying the full scope of things out for him. "I didn't know if I could handle another one so soon."

But if this distance thing was eating them both up inside, and after how much time they'd spent together... really, it made no sense, logically. She was taking a big risk and now it was up to James to tell her how he really felt, to be truthful with her. Honesty was all they had.

He had been keeping it under lock and key, or been trying too. It was little surprise to him that she hadn't noticed it, after all part of being a detective meant learning how to act, and keeping his emotions off of his face was a thing he was rather good at, all things considered. But the little signs they had been harder, and he was honestly surprised it had taken her this long to figure it all out.

So he had just resigned himself to being jealous of who ever she was interested in (it couldn't be him right?). But then she said that, and he was rather surprised by that. Because he could swear she had just, said it was, him.

And that couldn't be right, it just couldn't, those feelings couldn't be about him. Because he wasn't John, and really it was obvious and she needed to heal and...

Well now he couldn't focus. Instead he closed his eyes for a moment to recover as she cupped his cheeks, breathing slowly before opening his eyes again. He was letting it show now, the depth of his honesty as he started to talk, and he slipped his arm off of her to rest on her hand on his cheek.

"I know," he said softly, smiling slightly, "which is why I didn't say anything." And he took a breath before going on, "Take your time, Helen, I'll be here."

He had to say it, no matter how much the distance was bothering them both. She needed the time and he needed to say it, needed her to know he was willing to wait. It was all he could do, and he hoped she understood that.

She understood and the grateful look on her face said as much. Now that she knew how he felt about her - she could read every scrap of it in his eyes - she wanted to show him that she was willing, wanted to declare... something, her feelings for him perhaps. The times dictated a certain level of propriety, though, and if she were to break it even further than she already had... well, she didn't like to think of what the neighbors might say if they found out.

"Thank you, Darling," she whispered without even thinking about it, offering him a smile tinged with grateful tears. The water didn't fall from her eyes, simply hanging by the edges. She squeezed her eyes shut, holding herself together for just a moment before she returned her head to its favored position on his shoulder. It was as close as they could be right now and that was all right with Helen.

"I never meant to hurt you..." And yet she had. She had hurt him so much in her ignorance. "John was here a few days ago."

She wasn't entirely sure why she let that slip. Maybe it was because she was desperate to keep talking, to be honest with him and show him why she'd been so hesitant lately to show her affection for him. A part of her wanted to make it up to him and saw no other way to do so.

For that he was grateful as speaking his emotions had always been a difficult thing for him. But he wasn't going to pressure her, it did him little good to do that, to confess something right then, not when she obviously had issues. And also the neighbors yes, they would have a field day with anything more than what they were doing.

"It is no trouble at all," and it was true he would forever do what he could for her, even keeping this quiet to protect her in regards to his feelings. So he just looked away at her composing herself, giving her time before he settled his head gently on top of hers. It was fine by him, just having this, whatever it was with her. He could live with that, even if they weren't together, because at least she knew his feelings.

"I know," and while it had hurt, her ignorance at least he could live with it. "What did he want?" It was a little sharper, a little more protective now, which was only natural really all things considered.

He already knew of course, the Helen from the future had told him that, had allowed him to figure things out but to hear her say it. Well now he would worry, and fret really. But it did explain why she was hesitant about things.

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