ethnobotanyThe kiss to Beverly's cheek had set off a chain reaction. It shouldn't have; by all rights, it should have just been a sweet gesture and if her feelings for Cinna hadn't been so strong, she likely would have taken it just as a sign of a close personal friendship. Except her feelings for him are stronger than she has wanted to admit, even to herself, and the kiss confuses her. Hayley's words echo in her ears, an encouragement even as everything she is balks at the idea. She doesn't want to hurt their friendship, wouldn't be able to stand it if something happened between them.
At the same time, Cinna isn't Jean-Luc. Their situations are vastly different and Beverly doesn't know if she can keep Cinna at arm's length like she did with Jean-Luc. Part of her doesn't even want to. Then again, there's the risk that one of them will lose the other and she doesn't know what she would do if that happened, if he were to leave and she to stay. But if she's to be completely honest with herself, a large part of her thinks that maybe Hayley's right: maybe it's better if he just knows. They don't have to do anything about it -- and besides, if he hasn't been snatched up already, she will be entirely too surprised, as that will mean the entire temple has been doing him a disservice. Perhaps they just need to address her feelings, get them out into the air between them, and then move forward. If something comes of it, all the better. If not, at least he'll know why she sometimes has a slightly larger gap between them than other times.
The only problem is finding the words to say what she means. Giving one of his hands a squeeze, hers still nestled firmly between both of his on his leg, she turns to face him. This will be tricky.
"Cinna, I..." She huffs out a sigh, exasperated at herself, and shakes her head. "I need to tell you something, but..." She half expects for the lights to go out or one or the other of them to disappear or for some emergency to interrupt them. When nothing happens, she pushes forward. "I'm having a little trouble figuring out how. You'd think a woman my age would have all the words she would ever need to express herself, but I guess that doesn't always apply to situations like this."
She's being vague and she knows it, but she's trying to wrap her head around the many and yet few ways to say what she needs to. At this point, she would give almost anything not to have to say it at all; if only they were psychically connected like she and Jean-Luc were on Kesprytt. That would make this so much easier. Unfortunately, this time she has to do it the hard way and hard it sure is.